As many of my readers know, I was a historian in my second career (the one before this one). I was drawn to history by stories about people in the past, and in fact, much of my research used oral history interviews as a source. Listening to people give meaning to the events in their lives proved endlessly fascinating to me, and it’s one of the continuities between my work as a historian and my work as a coach.
Human beings are wired for story--for creating a narrative that explains and interprets our reality. In the last couple of decades, researchers using functional MRI (fMRI) scanning have been able to measure the effects that powerful stories have on our brains. Stories activate multiple brain regions.[i] We also release hormones that shape and reshape our perceptions. Neurologists have found that when you hear a good story, three hormones are released in your brain:
· Cortisol—which raises your awareness
· Dopamine which helps you focus on and remember details
· Oxytocin which triggers empathy and emotional connection.
In short, stories trigger biological responses.
Humans also developed the neural wiring for an inner monologue--a story we tell ourselves about ourselves. A self story can be a pattern of automatic thinking. Sometimes we aren’t even aware we are telling ourselves a self-story. Self-stories are built on the information we gather over a lifetime about who we are, what’s good and fair, and how we should be and live.
Telling ourselves stories helps us navigate through life by providing focus and direction. The novelist Terry Pratchett said that “People think that stories are shaped by people. In fact, it's the other way around.” He meant that we act after our internal story mixes with events/realities and shapes the meaning we give them. Often we tell ourselves stories that hold us back from living the lives that we want. Because our brains can turn imagination into reality (as when the mention of poison ivy might make you start to scratch), unconscious storytelling like self-talk can hold you back from pursuing things you want. A story—real or imagined—can make real things happen in your brain and your body.
In this month’s post, I interviewed psychologist Karen Skerrett about her work on the ways that the stories that couples tell about their lives together—which she calls “We-Stories”--can shape the quality of their relationships. I met Karen (virtually) and learned about her work last fall when she participated in my workshop series called Writing a Better Story for Your Life. I thought readers would like to know more about her work.
Heyday Coaching: Would you tell readers a bit who you are and especially about your career path?
Karen Skerrett: I’d be happy to. My first career was nursing- both practicing and teaching. What I loved most about those years was listening to the stories of patients and families. My biggest learnings were that people get sick and heal within relationships and those systems need as much (sometimes more) tending than the individual carrying the illness. It also made me very big on prevention. In the 40 years since, I’ve been a psychologist working in academic, clinical and consulting settings, maintaining ties to my dual training by specializing in strength-based approaches to healing and change across the lifecycle. My research and writing focuses on processes of relational resilience and the development of healing narratives across the lifespan.
HC: You and I share an interest in our inner stories—the stories that we tell ourselves about our lives. As you describe it in your book, our “inward journey transform[s] each experience over time into a story.” The stories that we tell ourselves can shape our sense of identity and our sense of the range of possibilities open to us. Can you say more about the power of stories to shape our lives?
KS: At the heart of my work is the conviction that we humans are first and foremost meaning-making beings and that our essential way of making meaning is through narrative. Stories, always dynamic, also shape our futures by offering us a vision and a blueprint for our goals and desires. For example, Alex, an auto mechanic, developed severe bursitis in his hip, making daily work painful and uncertain. He told friends: “Lousy luck, I guess. But I’m taking my medication, working with a physical therapist and staying hopeful that this won’t interfere in my life too much.” Justine, a capable accountant, was passed over for a promotion that she wanted very much. She told colleagues that she was “cheated, unappreciated and ripped off” and unlikely to have much success in the future. Alex crafted a self story that was positive and possibility-filled. The way Justine chose to tell her story foreclosed opportunities to develop resilience and a sense of self confidence. Over time, developing good-enough stories creates the conditions that shape our point of view, hone our character, help us cope with challenges, make decisions and cultivate particular feelings.
HC: Your book, Growing Married, explores how couples can use “We-stories” to strengthen and deepen their relationships and how dysfunctional stories can contribute to marital discord and unhappiness. What do you mean by a “we” story? How can couples develop “we stories” that will improve their relationships?
KS: Every couple has a story to tell. There is the story of how they met, a story about the things they most like to do together, a story of their first fight. A We-Story is a particular type of couple story, one that highlights their mutual caring and the investment partners have in one another. We-stories provide a couple with a storyline that prioritizes their relationship and helps them act in ways that benefit the team rather than either individual. In our research, we typically ask for a We-Story in the following way: “Write an account of an event in your relationship that serves as a reminder of your love and commitment to each other and to your relationship. Write the story together.” The purpose of We-Stories is to shape couple identity, interpret experiences, guide engagement and be a repository for relationship wisdom. They help build a stronger We consciousness which is increasingly being linked to numerous individual health benefits and relationship satisfaction.
HC: You write, “The key to better stories and better relationships, neurologically speaking, is to strengthen the neural pathways that encourage connection and closeness.” Can you explain how this might work?
KS: As a species, we are hard-wired for connection. We also carry the evolutionary imprint of threat reduction so that we routinely overestimate the negative while underestimating our opportunities and resources. We need to learn how to better expand and internalize our positive experiences to help balance this negativity bias. When we feel threatened, we experience the stress response of flight, fight or freeze. And because the brain is embodied in the sense that the regulation of energy, information, and emotion flows throughout our bodies, our stories live in our bodies. So if we want to make changes in ourselves, we first need to change our stories and our embodied actions. This means changing our mind-sets, beliefs, and the personal and collective stories that hold that mindset in place. Whenever we craft a We-Story, develop a relationship vision, write our partner a love letter, or share our appreciation, we are strengthening the positive energy pathways, reinforcing feelings of safety, calm and empathy. All great news from a connection standpoint!
HC: In the book, you offer lots of real-life examples of couples who face crucible moments in their relationships—moments of disillusionment or personal loss and tragedy—which force them to rethink all their assumptions about their lives together and to fashion new We-Stories. Can you offer an example?
KS: So many come to mind from the inspiring stories I’ve heard in my research and clinical work. Since illness is such a familiar experience to all of us, it may be easier for your readers to identify with the story of Kate and Jerry, a couple who hit an epic rough patch. At 29, Kate was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Seven months into her rigorous surgical and chemotherapy treatment, Jerry’s mother died of a ruptured aneurysm. When I met them a year later, they described themselves as the “walking wounded.” Both under high stress, their stories reflected different ways of making sense and coping, and their stories became incompatible. Change required an openness to altering their stories and regular efforts to get on the same page. For most couples, different stories are necessary to manage life in the acute vs. chronic phases of an illness because the coping tasks are different. Kate and Jerry persisted in their efforts to make ongoing sense of their experiences, staying aware of one another’s reactions and giving each other a wide berth of understanding and perspective. The following We-story, a culmination of numerous stories over time, signifies the significant transformation they went through.
We decided that we’d actually been lucky. Yes, two terrible things happened to us. But before that our lives were pretty darned great. We didn’t have much practice dealing with tragedy (luckily). At some point, we agreed that this was something that could upend our relationship. We could bury our heads in our own pain and forget about each other. We decided we wanted to use these tragedies to get stronger and love other even more. Now, when something comes up, we ask: what’s the best thing we can do now? What can we give to each other that will help?
KS: This story gave Kate and Jerry a sense of forward momentum, hope, and positivity, and they went on to foster more resilient stories.
HC: One of the most powerful insights for me from the book was this one: “Viewing change as an opportunity to grow—each other and the relationship—is critical. Couples with the most staying power approach their relationship as a crucible for growth. They think of themselves as being in a coevolutionary relationship and in the business of creating a never-ending story.” Do you have some suggestions on how couples can incorporate opportunities to engage in this “co-evolution” into their ongoing relationship?
KS: My book is filled with exercises such as Grateful Reframing, Making Growth Inventories, Crafting a Relationship Vision and/or Legacy, Self-distancing Meditations, all of which support change and foster growth. Here are a few essentials to the process:
Have a Big-Picture Perspective
Taking the long view encourages you to put problems in a multi dimensional context-unique and specific to your personality, biology, spiritual values, historical time and to your current phase of life. What might look like an insurmountable obstacle in the moment may prove to be a building block to strong repair(abilities) in the future. When we shift our focus from feeling happy to looking for purpose and meaning, we’re more likely to define the challenge as manageable, even positive. Thinking about our lives in full and our past and present stories helps to better shape an intentional future for your relationship.
A ”We” Attitude
The qualities of We-ness: Safety, Empathy, Respect, Acceptance, Pleasure, Humor, Shared meaning and vision (SERAPHS) can be cultivated so you can learn to think and act with the best interest of your relationship in mind. It helps you take joint responsibility for issues you’re facing. Partnerships then become anchored in friendship and sustained by intentionally created networks beyond the partnership.
A Culture of Gratitude
Viewing disagreements as inevitable and focusing on what goes well, even in the face of challenge proactively creates positives. Approaching differences with curiosity, not seeking the “truth” but rather to understand each other’s perspective is crucial. Practicing a charity of interpretation and giving more positive feedback than complaints shapes a climate of generosity.
Openness to Change and Growth
All growth takes attention, courage and nurture. No matter how tempting, resist settling and aim for change, not accommodation. Research shows that partners who help us become better versions of ourselves become more valuable and important to us over time. Different phases of the lifecycle as well as different kinds of challenges offer different ways to expand.
HC: Are there other insights you’d like to share with my readers?
KS: Many of the stories we’ve collected in the Story Project research reflect the master virtues most associated with wisdom: love, compassion, meaning, forgiveness, growth and hope. These shared attributes helped me identify a quality I’ve come to call Relational Wisdom. The key qualities are:
· An ability to connect individual concerns to relationship consequences
· An approach to life challenges from a We (team) perspective.
· A capacity to hold a larger purpose for and beyond the relationship
I learned that wisdom happens through the interaction between fundamental life challenges and the personal and relationship resources we bring to bear in facing them. And as in anything else, practice flexing those relationship muscles makes us stronger and stronger!
HC: What’s next for you in your work and in your life?
KS: I’ve always maintained a patchwork of pursuits and now that I’ve retired from academic life, I have the wonderful opportunity to remix the ingredients. I plan to do more writing, lead more lifecycle and story writing workshops, refocus my consulting work and have more time for my amazing brood of grandchildren.
HC: How can readers connect with you and your work?
Here’s my contact information:
Karen Skerrett, Ph.D.,
karen.skerrett@gmail.com
Mobile: (630) 292-4108; Office: (708) 579-5911
http://karenskerrettphd.com
[1] A good overview of this process can be found at https://www.melcrum.com/research/strategy-planning-tactics/science-behind-storytelling