I often work with clients on the challenges of managing interpersonal relationships at work. A few weeks ago, a client shared her weariness with colleagues who engaged in constant “handwringing.” I wanted to understand what she meant, so I asked if these folks were venting about workplace frustrations. She explained that they went beyond venting to chronic complaining, covering the same worn ground over and over. My client tried to help these co-workers see various situations in a more positive frame or to brainstorm solutions to the problems to no avail, and she came away from these conversations feeling exhausted. They sapped her motivation, and she was actively avoiding particular people so that she wouldn’t be sucked into these interactions again and again.
A little venting among colleagues can be a healthy way to release our frustrations about common experiences at work: that ridiculous bureaucratic procedure, the eccentric co-worker’s odd behavior, the fact that the ancient departmental copy machine has broken down at the worst possible moment. We can bond over these shared experiences, and venting can help us get our concerns out in the open.
What my client described went far beyond healthy venting, however. I’ve been in her shoes. I’ll bet that most of us have. Some co-workers become mired in a pattern of chronic complaining that is toxic for everyone, including themselves. They get sucked into a repeated cycle of negative thoughts that get in the way of their ability to solve problems and make good decisions at work. Research has shown that complainers’ repeated negative conversations can become contagious, spreading unconstructive pessimism throughout the workplace.
For some people, complaining is such a deep-seated habit that it may feel like part of their identities. It can be a means of seeking attention or trying to exert influence over others. It can be a form of emotional dumping, and it sometimes becomes a way to avoid taking responsibility for one’s own behavior. A complainer can become invested in the blame game, pointing the finger at everyone else for the problems that generate the complaints. As my client’s experience suggests, complainers often become absorbed in negative things at work instead of seeing constructive ways to move forward.
Organizational psychologists offer some good strategies for dealing with chronic complainers. Here are some approaches I suggest to clients. They may not help in every case, but they are worth a try.
· Acknowledge the frustrations, but set clear boundaries. Tell you co-worker that you are willing to listen, but that you aren’t going to plow the same ground again and again. It’s ok to say, “Yes, I understand that you are frustrated with this situation, and I’m happy to listen if you have something new to say, but I find it exhausting to go over and over the same complaints. That doesn’t help either of us.”
· Ask your colleague how he or she would address the situation. Explain that you don’t find it helpful to complain without an eye toward addressing the problem. Challenge them to use the time they spend complaining more productively.
· If your colleague persists in negative conversations after you have set clear boundaries, you may have little other choice except to avoid them whenever possible. Try to do so in ways that are not dismissive, and be clear about why you are avoiding them. As Brene’ Brown says, “Clear is kind.”
· If you’re in a leadership role, take the complainer and the complaints behind closed doors. In other words, offer to discuss the issues privately. Say, “Your concerns are important, and I’d like to sit down with you to learn more.” Then listen with an open mind and ask questions that seek to let the other person be heard. Let’s face it: some of what they have to say is true, and listening deeply to a complainer without letting them hijack the conversation with a repetitive litany of complaints might provide you with some fresh insights. Then task them with helping you brainstorm some realistic solutions. However, if the behavior persists and if it is having a negative impact on your team, as a manager, you must set clear boundaries: make it clear to the complainer that their endless complaints are having a negative impact on the productivity and motivation of the entire team. It’s important to be clear to complaining employees that unproductive complaining will not be tolerated.
For more on how to manage complainers, see this excellent piece from the Harvard Business Review.
And if you have other strategies for dealing with a complainer at work, I’d love to read them in the comments!
Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay